What's the deal with this "Yes means yes"?

You have probably heard about "No means no". If someone says no, it means no. But what if one says nothing? Many people think that if someone says nothing, it means "I go all the way". But assuming that someone consents when nothing has been said leads to many problems. You can suppose that someone wants to go further. But maybe it is not the case. The fact that one says nothing does not mean that one says yes.

Remember: only yes means yes

• The fact that you are wearing these particular clothes...
• The fact that you like each other...
• The fact that you have said nothing...
• The fact that you have done it before...
• The fact that you are a man...
• The fact that you have gone out on a date...
• The fact that you "got hammered"...

Does not mean that you consent! Only yes means yes!

Talk to each other!

Consent is a mutual, verbal, physical and emotional understanding which is not obtained by manipulation, threat or head games.

Consent is a whole body experience. It is not only a verbal "yes" or "no" – it means being attentive to your partner as well as observing physical and emotional sings.

Consent must always be mutual (both persons have to consent) and is never done once and for all. You may want to stop at certain moment, you may change your mind, and the fact that you have consented to one thing does not mean that you consent to anything else.

Consent and open communication are the key to positive sexual experience for everyone involved.

Communicate at every step. How?

Maybe you should ask first? Maybe you should say something before going for it?

Many of us feel ashamed to talk about sex. But it is better to clearly say something than to hurt someone or make things you do not want to do.

It is really important to ask before you initiate any sexual activity. It is a duty of a person initiating sexual activity to ask before. How would you know that you can do it without asking?

When we have courage to ask and talk about what we want and what we do not want, we can improve our relations and increase our chances for good sexual experience.

It is vital to be able to say "yes", "no", or "stop it". You have a right to stop at every moment. You have a right to take it easy, to have a moment to think about what you really want.

The basics

• Let it be clear for you what are your limits and values linked to sexuality. Be honest with yourself.
• Ask before you take it further.
• Tell your partner what you like. If you want the person with whom you are having sex to do something differently – say it outright.

• Say it honestly if you feel embarrassed to talk about sex.

Won't talk spoil the mood?

No, it won't. Communication and conversation are important for good sexual experience. It also refers to the situation when we decide and communicate that we do not want to have a sexual intercourse.

Talking about limits and sexual desires helps to make two people more comfortable. People feel safer when they now where is the line. And if you change your mind, it is always easier to go back to an already initiated conversation.

Sex... What is all the fuss about?

The media, friends and adults seem to obsessed about sex. Is it really such a big deal?

Sex can be an important and strong experience. In some schools in sexual education classes we learn about body parts, reproduction, intercourse, contraception, sexually transmitted infections and HIV. Unfortunately, much less is said about what it means for us to be sexually active.

You have a right to safer sex. And this comprises both emotional as well as physical safety.

Search for information, learn more about sex and sexuality. Be up to date. The more you know about sex, the easier it will be to make decisions about what is good for you.

Warning! Head games, felling guilty and insecurity:  Assault / sexual violence are often not based on physical coercion. One can be manipulated or forced to do things one does not want to do. One can even say "yes". But it is not a true consent. Never force anyone to say "yes". Do not force anyone to sex, if you know that this person is not inclined to do it.

How to say it, or several ideas for communication:

• I really like you. Can I kiss you?
• Hmm, you know that sometimes we "forget" to use condoms?
• I feel that when we're having unprotected sex, I can't relax and enjoy it. We should always have a stock of condoms!
• I really like kissing with you; can we try out something more?
• I really like you, but I'm not ready for sex.
• I love what you're doing with your tongue! Can I kiss you here?
• I don't go to bed with people who are under influence of alcohol or drugs.
• Is it OK for you? Maybe you'd like to do something else?
• Without a condom? There'll be no sex!
• You don't seem to be convinced to do it. Let's stop for a while. What's going on?
• Hmm, let's stop for a bit.
• What would you like me to do?
• I'm not sure what I want at the moment. Let's stop for a while.

Attention! Manipulation:

• If you really loved me, you would do it...
• Come on. It will really upset me if we don't do it...
• What? Are you gay or what?
• My last boyfriend/girlfriend did it. Don't be so tense.
• I was about to buy you this... but, if you don't want to...
• Listen, I'll tell everyone at uni that you did it anyway.
• I'll break up with you.
• You'll regret it: I'll harm you / your pet / I'll destroy your belongings.

Everyone has a right to violence-free sexuality.

How to prevent sexual violence?

Sexual violence can be prevented only when all society or community is committed to create a culture of respect, where everyone has a right to violence-free sexuality.

Here are a few tips:

1. Talk with boys and men about gender, undermine typical expectations as to what it means to "be a man", question the image of "femininity" which devalues women.
2. Practice consent: only YES means YES. Consent is a mutual verbal, physical and emotional understanding which is not obtained by manipulation, threat or head games. When there is no consent, it is not sex, it is an assault / attack.
3. Be an active observer. Assume that it is your duty to react / intervene (obviously taking your safety into consideration) when you see or hear sexist, racists and homophobic attitudes, behaviours or comments. These are acts of violence which make our society / community dangerous.
4. Do not support sexism financially. Do not buy magazines, films, games, music, videos or other products which present women in a degrading manner. Be attentive and critical, such messages may be subtle.
5. Say "no" to embarrassing women by calling them "whores". There is no such thing as a "whore". When woman's sexuality is being judged, controlled or degraded, the culture of violence against women is being promoted.

The text based on materials of the Victoria Women's Sexual Assault Centre (www.vwas.com)
Presented by: Agata Teutsch, Autonomy Foundation

If you have been a victim of sexual offence, you can seek professional help.

Here you can find a list of bodies providing free support in Krakow:

www.bezpieczny-student.uj.edu.pl/gdzie-szukac/pomoc-ofiarom-przestepstw/krakow

You can also get help from the Polish Crime Victim Support Network:

www.bezpieczny-student.uj.edu.pl/gdzie-szukac/pomoc-ofiarom-przestepstw/ogolnopolska-siec

In January 2014 a new mode of prosecuting crimes against sexual freedom and morality took effect in Poland. Currently these crimes are prosecuted ex officio. This applies to: rape, abuse of dependence in the relationship or of critical situation, and abuse of a state of helplessness or mental illness in order to lead up to sexual intercourse, submitting to another sexual activity or to accomplishment of such an activity. New solutions for carrying out interrogations of victims of these crimes are now in operation in order to minimise their negative experiences. A victim reporting a crime should simply set out the most important facts and evidence. The examination of the victim as a witness takes place at a court sitting and a prosecutor, a barrister and a representative of the victim have a right to participate in it.

If you need psychological support, take advantage of the program "Constellation Station" www.konstelacjalwa.pl/stacja_konstelacja.html

More information on free psychological help in Kraków:

www.bezpieczny-student.uj.edu.pl/gdzie-szukac/pomoc-psychologiczna

prepared by: Katarzyna Jurzak-Maczka
(use of materials of the Ministry of Justice)